life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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