I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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