she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out