there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY