I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
