I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help