i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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