what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
