my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
