last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
