That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
