1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
