Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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