Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
