Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
