So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
