I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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