if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
