Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just sent this text using only my big toe
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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