Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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