rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
