I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
