bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
