I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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