I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
