I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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