My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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