Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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