someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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