somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
