She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
