She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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