when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
