I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
