so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
