Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
