I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
