Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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