Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
