Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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