So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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