He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Mom said you looked used
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
