You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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