"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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