I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
