too bad you live with your parents still
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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