I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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