i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
