Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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