I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
