We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
