he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
