Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
