I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just sucked dick on a ferry
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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