I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
