Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
