I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
