Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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