WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
