a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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